Fragmented Thoughts

It’s been a long time since i’ve updated. I doubt anyone really reads this blog anymore.

BUT if you do, I’ve been busy with trying to keep a job, playing a lot of music and doing photography.

Music: The Ivys — check it out.

My stuff

i wrote something about our desire to return to the natural order of things and how our digital streamlining world has made (some if not all) of us artsy fartsy types to have to use precise technology to create the look of chaos.
on that note, here are some pictures from shoot i did for some friends:

I feel like I am still in the middle of a process.  A process that never really has an end in sight but just brief glances to look over my shoulder to see where I’ve been (or not been) and to remember not to look back to often for fear of whiplash.

Perhaps I’m too much of a thinker.  I’m not sure if at times, most people understand me or if I’ve gotten to a point where I’m pretty used to hiding everything in the smallest, darkest recess of my being and still wanting to give people a flashlight to take a look at my crap.  THen again, I should just take things out into the light but there’s something about the ‘process’ of doing so which takes too much effort.  But I think things will fall into place at the right time and place.

There is a time for future/nostalgia/reminscent thinking.  But there is also an importance of just being in the moment for what it’s worth and to soak in all the things that have taken you to this place in time.  But don’t dwell too long in the moment for the moment still has an effect on what happens tomorrow.

Another random thought from my brain.

Following up on the Grace and Karma post, I was reminded about grace this morning as i opened my freezer to grab some ice cubes for my usual morning breakfast smoothie.  Now before I continue, note that this post may not be as profound as you’d like it to be or maybe it is but regardless, sometimes the most profound things in life come from the most mundane things.  Back to the ice cubes.  I live with two other guys, one who is a living example of someone who needs a lot of grace to live with for reasons which I will not go into.  Needless to say, he’s the kind of guy who will not refill the ice tray after using all the ice cubes but will go ahead and leave one for the next person to use. Nice gesture but fill the damn ice tray.  To me, it says :

1)”i’m a lazy ass cause i can’t even fill the ice tray.”
2) “I’m a real upright citizen because I left one ice cube for the next person who uses it”

I know, silly to get frustrated about right? But these little things translate into all these other things and without turning this post into a rant about this particular roommate,  I want to get into the heart of the matter.   As i stood there grabbing some more ice cubes out of the OTHER Ice tray (which i had filled the night before — thank goodness) I proceeded to wrestle with the thought that maybe, just maybe no one ever really loved this person (other than his parents) and he doesn’t know how to be loved because under his guise of so-called embodiment of masculinity in its purest form, he’s just a kid crying in a corner waiting to be loved.  But then if you show the kid love, you expect him to show a little decency and hope that he’ll love you back and love others back.  Not the case;instead, you find a kid totally happy with all that is before him, not realizing he’s draining the life out of those around him. (Yes, i’m writing indirectly about how i feel about him. sue me.)   But I realized you can’t stop loving the kid even if you keep telling him he needs to share and love people.  At the end of the day, Grace can break through where Karma fails for this child.  Maybe his leaving that one ice cube is to say ‘hey, i’m still here. i’m lonely. Love me.”  Now, i’m not saying i need to throw a pity party here or anything because that would be just patronizing , which doesn’t really involve love. Just love the guy. the girl.  Maybe at the end of the day, people are leaving small signals about their loneliness and their desire to be loved in the form of a solitary ice cube.

I’m done rambling.

“…at the center of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out comes back to you: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics–in physical laws–every action is met by an equal or an opposite one. It’s clear to me that Karma is at the very heart of the universe. I’m absolutely sure of it. And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that “as you reap, you will sow” stuff. Grace defies reason and logic. Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff.”

- Bono

I was reading a friend’s blog and he wrote about Grace breaking through karma.  Made me think a lot about my life and the things i do.  Whatever you want to call it, the golden rule, the good neighbor rule, I believe in this idea of karma that whatever you do to others will be done to you.  In other words, what goes around comes around.  Yet, there’s this idea of Grace that is brought on by love, a love that is deeper than what we think or know that breaks through and in Bono’s words, interrupts the Karma.   I’m glad that Karma isn’t the means by which we are meant to rebuild humanity’s brokeness but rather, it is this greater concept of Grace through Love that makes that happen because at the end of the day, no one can really live out Karma.

I’m not the type to pour out my heart on to a weblog so that millions (or one) reader can completely sympathize or empathize with me but maybe there’s a part of all of us (the exhibitionist some call it) that wants to be heard and understood.    I’m beginning to understand why this medium of expression has become so much more popular: we can still feel safe within the confines of our 15″ monitor (or 30″ depending if you like bright vivid colors) and let the fragmented thoughts in our mind form into somewhat coherent sentences that express the deepest parts of who we are.  There are no glares, no looks, no visible form of facial contortions to deal with.  Instead, this process of writing down things we would often not even tell our best friends, that we would tell a distant stranger who we will never see or meet (at least not at the moment) who you will connect with on some level about the broken nature of your heart or the deepest longings of your life.   Anyway, that pre-rambling was all to say that it is both a relief and somewhat painful to let go of something you’ve held on for almost 3 years.  I say somewhat painful not because it doesn’t hurt but because it’s something you’ve carried for a long time and finally, i ‘ve had the courage to come out and let loose my grip around something I wanted to own.    Many prayers have gone up and many answers have come around me but somehow, I still didn’t know how to let go.     You try to rationalize the reasons for staying behind.  You rationalize the reasons for leaving.  Your head says ‘get the heck out’, your heart says, no, she’s to be loved.  You pray for more courage.

You finally realize that courage is not something to be felt; rather, it is the opportunity to be courageous.  I’ve never saved people from a burning building.  I’ve never fought in wars for freedom.  Instead, i’ve learned to fight for an inner freedom of greater love: to learn to let go of something you love.  It’s a lesson I keep coming back to and hating to learn but I suppose that’s where the idea of Grace comes in to help me see the bigger Picture.  Grace to not hate but to love.  It’s easier to be angry right now at myself for not giving up earlier.  It’s easier to be angry at her for not putting her foot down instead of letting me think that there was hope.   But Grace covers it all and helps me see and mend the 2.5 year long gash that has formed on my heart.

Grace has helped give me some form of courage to write this blog entry so that you, my only reader (or hundreds or thousands of readers) can figure out that Grace and Love will rule at the end of the day regardless of the extent of brokeness.

I guess I can finally say goodbye after writing tons of songs about goodbyes:

Is this Goodbye

Even if I fall
Still I’m crawling back
To the place I fear the most
Still wondering if I should
Leave behind a dream
Of what might have been good for me

But everything
Falls apart
All I hear
This beating heart
beating to say
Is this goodbye?

v2
Tried to tell you now
Still you run away
From the words you need the most
Still wondering if I could
Leave you and I behind
And let this ghost just fade away

But everything
Falls apart
All I hear
This beating heart
beating to say
This is goodbye

Lat’s baby Simone is probably the cutest baby in the world. There are some babies who literally can emanate joy — she is one of them.

I used to blog a lot.  But then it got to be too much of a time consumer and I’d rather keep my boring thoughts to myself in my own personal journal.

But then, i like blogging to make mundane observations of the world and point out the absurdity of many situations we often find ourselves in.

I think i’ll do that on this site.  it’s an upgrade from Xanga which seems to be more for the college/teenage emo type.  this actually seems manageable as a blog with ease of uploading photos and such. yes. i enjoy those things.   it’s the exhibitionist that lives in all of us.  Otherwise blogs wouldn’t really exist.

in the mean time, go outside and run around and enjoy the summer and turn off your computer.